


Maybe, Probably, Completely

by hufflepuffs_with_hollow_laughs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Like its barely there, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Swearing, a lot of swearing, at the beginning, but only slightly - Freeform, then it gets softer, when theres more to this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflepuffs_with_hollow_laughs/pseuds/hufflepuffs_with_hollow_laughs
Summary: Falling in love with Remus Lupin was like falling out of the sky.Falling in love with Sirius Black was like being in a train wreck.__Sirius Black was an idiot. He knew this. Most of his idiotic choices were harmless, and the consequences small and reversible. The older he got, the less true this was.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 3





	Maybe, Probably, Completely

**November 7th 1976**

Sirius Black was an idiot. He knew this. Most of his idiotic choices were harmless, and the consequences small and reversible. The older he got, the less true this was.

His first Big Stupid Thing had happened just a couple of weeks before the start of his sixth year, amidst sweltering heat that even the cooling charms around the house were struggling to fight off. It had been the hottest summer Sirius remembered having and as a result, the usual tension at 12 Grimmauld Place ran higher than ever. Several weeks of sharp words and barbed insults and always feeling just a little too warm had finally culminated in a screaming match between Sirius and his mother and he decided he was never setting foot in that house again. He left with nothing but his wand and the hope that the Potter’s would help him out. The following week had been filled with thunderstorms and torrential rain but it was still the best summer he had ever had. Sirius’ first Big Stupid Thing was stupid because he left with only his wand and no money and so walked halfway across London to the Potter’s house in Ealing and he didn’t regret a moment of it, not until he realised that his mistake was actually thinking he was free.

Sirius’ second Big Stupid Thing, after several Small Stupid Things, was also a Big Stupid Mistake a few months later and started with a screaming match, this time with Regulus. Until this point, Regulus had been under the impression that Sirius would be returning home this summer, and the brothers were far too stupid to admit they cared about each other and instead ended up shouting the exact opposite. This put Sirius in a rather foul mood and, unfortunately for everyone involved, the next person to cross his path was Severus Snape. _This will not end well_. Severus, just as stupid as every other teenage boy and full of bitterness at the world, had picked a terrible time to antagonise Sirius and not-quite-but-definitely confront him about Remus and his disappearances (all the while poking at the duct-taped-shut can of worms that was Sirius Black’s sexuality). Sirius, full of bitterness at his family and currently slightly more stupid than every other teenage boy, had picked a terrible response to Severus’ questions and not-quite-but-definitely told him how to access the tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow.

As the words left Sirius’ mouth and Severus’ expression became incredibly smug, a horrible tight feeling in Sirius’ chest told him that he had made a mistake but, like with most feelings he wasn’t ready to deal with yet, he pushed it down and chose instead to keep being angry at his family and at his stupid brother and at Severus and at the world because at 17 nothing is fair and it’s anyone’s fault but his own, naturally. He continued to be angry and stupid all the way up to the Gryffindor common room and, fortunately for everyone, there were no more Slytherins to cross his path. Sirius practically growled the password at an irritated Fat Lady and stormed up to the dormitory.

“Where the hell have you been?” Peter asked as the door swung open, the map open but still blank in his hands. “We were almost thinking of sending out a search party.”

Sirius ignored him, heading straight for his bed and dropping his school bag unceremoniously along the way.

"Hurry and change if you wanna," James called over his shoulder, oblivious to Sirius’ state as he rummaged through all his crap to find the cloak, "we've got about half an hour till the moon's up and it takes bloody forever to get to the shack."

_Shit._

The horrible tight feeling of having made a mistake came rushing back, feeling ten times as strong as it had before. _It was a fucking full moon._

"Shit."

Both Peter and James turned to Sirius, equally confused. Confusion turned to a mixture of anger and fear as Sirius explained his Big Stupid Mistake. The horrible tight feeling in his chest only grew tighter and with each word the bitter taste of guilt coated his throat and sunk into his stomach. A terrible silence hung on the end of Sirius' sentence.

"Fuck."

"I know," Sirius said quietly.

"Fuck, Sirius." James tugged on his hair anxiously. "Pete, where is he?"

Peter scanned the map searching for Severus' name, and then he groaned. "Heading for the Whomping Willow."

" _Fuck._ " James grabbed his cloak and headed for the door. "C'mon. Sirius, just stay here."

Sirius wasn't sure he would have been able to move if he wanted to. The silence left after James and Peter's departure rang in Sirius' ears, and his mind felt like it was racing and empty all at once. He was an idiot.

* * *

It was just after midnight and Sirius hadn't heard or seen anything from the others. He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not. He'd spent the better part of two and a half hours pacing the room before settling on the edge of his bed, guilt gnawing away at him as the thought of Severus' body, broken and bleeding in some way.

 _The bastard deserves it,_ he tried to reason with himself.

_But Remus doesn't._

All the anxious energy was starting to drive him mad. His leg wouldn’t stop bouncing, he was practically pulling his hair out, and he had chewed his lip so much it had started to bleed and didn’t want to stop. _He was such an idiot_.

Every gust of wind against the window panes put him more and more on edge, and he kept convincing himself that he could hear the screams of his classmates. _That’s ridiculous, they’re miles away and you’re 700 feet in the air_.

When the door finally opened again, Sirius leapt from the bed as though he’d been shocked and just stared at James, all of a sudden unable to find the words to ask and fearful of the answer. James looked exhausted.

_Shit, Sirius, what did you do?_

“He’s alright,” James sighed. “Snape, he’s still alive. Didn’t get hurt.” Sirius felt like he could breathe again, but he still felt awful, like his guilt was now trying to claw its way out of him as slowly as possible. “He saw Remus, mid-transformation. Dumbledore’s sworn him to secrecy but…”

He didn’t have to finish his sentence. Remus hadn’t wanted any of _them_ knowing he was a werewolf. Snape knowing wasn’t much better than Snape getting hurt. Remus was going to be furious. _He should be_. _You’re an idiot_.

Neither boy said anything. They sat on their beds in silence. Ten minutes later, Peter returned and went to bed without a word, chucking the map to James and not bothering to change out of his clothes. James followed suit shortly after. Sirius didn’t move from the end of his bed, staring at Remus’ empty bed till the sun came up.

He didn’t visit the Hospital Wing this time. He didn’t want to see the look on Remus’ face. He wasn’t sure he could survive it. Instead, he headed straight to his first lesson, not bothering with breakfast as his stomach was still far too knotted for him to even think about eating. Double Transfiguration had never been so quiet, and by break time even Lily Evans was starting to look concerned about the three of them. Sirius pretended he didn't notice Dorcas and Marlene's whispers or Lily and James passing notes after the first hour and he tried not to think about the empty seat between him and Peter where Remus was supposed to be sitting. When break finally arrived it was a relief to get out of the classroom, but it was short-lived. The end of break meant James headed off to Ancient Studies and Peter off to Double Charms, leaving Sirius alone with a study period either side of lunch and a deep pit of guilt in his stomach.

Break itself was tense and quiet, interspersed with James' attempt at normalcy as he commented on the weather, or last weeks Quidditch match against Ravenclaw. But for once even James couldn't alleviate the tension, and after fifteen minutes the three boys went their separate ways. Sirius headed back up to their dorm, deciding that he'd have better luck sleeping until his Defence lesson later than attempting to do any actual work. Or at least, that was the plan until he stepped into the dorm and saw Remus stood there, slinging his school bag over his shoulder. For one long, terrible moment they just looked at each other. And then before Sirius could even begin to find the words to apologise, Remus was pushing past him and out of the room.

_Idiot._

James appeared an hour later, managing to convince him to go down to lunch. And if he noticed that Sirius didn't look at all like he had slept and instead that his eyes were red and his face paler than usual and his cheeks still wet, he didn't say a word.

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that the incident involving Snape and the Whomping Willow happens before their Defence O.W.L but I forgot that while writing this and to be honest at this point JK's canon counts for absolutely nothing so who cares.


End file.
